To Pray Or Not To Pray

by Kirsten T.

Merriam –Webster defines parable as a “short story that illustrates a moral attitude or a religious principle.” According to Robert Ludwig in our week five essay, Jesus spoke in parables to attack fundamental beliefs of his listeners (p. 4). The parables of Jesus were not just to tell a story with a moral; the reason was to transform lives. In my life there have been many transformative moments; the birth of my son, a divorce, and the foray into a life of professional ministry. Perhaps the most significant parabolic moment in my life occurred through the death of my father almost 17 years ago. It was in the hours preceding his death that I came to experience a moment of mystery. This essay will explore that personal parable.

A brief history of my mom and dad is helpful to explain the situation. My mother was the church going Catholic. She was the one from whom I learned my prayers and observed of a life of service. She volunteered whenever possible at our local Catholic church and expected me to do the same. My mother was a model of fidelity. Questions surrounding my faith or my God were directed to her. My father had been raised Lutheran, but never went to church except when his sister visited in the winter. He did attend mass a few times in my life when I was leading music ministry. Attending his first Easter Vigil service when I was 17 was his final visit inside a Catholic church, however. A three hour service was just a little too much for him to take.

My dad never interfered with my mom and her connection to the local church. This did not mean I was not connected deeply to my father. With my dad I explored the intellect through reading, writing, history and the sciences. He and I could argue politics and my future career at length. From him, I developed a significant work ethic. Prayer was never a part of our 32 year relationship other than grace before meals on holidays. When I began my work in professional church ministry he was happy for me, but there was never any discussion around what I did on a day to day basis. He was tough on me, but also, as his sole daughter, he was quite empowering, assuring me that I could do or be anything I set my mind to.

My dad struggled though a few illnesses in my late 20’s causing me (and my son) to move closer to my parents. As he neared the end of his life, my father clearly laid out an advance directive wanting no extraordinary life saving measure including feeding tubes. He had lost his vision and could no longer read or write which was unimaginable for him or me. Placing him into a nursing home was difficult for my mom, but necessary, and my dad went downhill from that point. I visited daily, when possible, and talked with him until he could no longer speak. Then I just read to him. Finally, with the direction of the hospice nurses, I let him know that it was ok to go and be with his parents. My brothers and I would make sure mom was taken care of. He did not need to keep suffering. It was alright for him to let go. I left expecting that death would be imminent, but he held on a few more days. Finally my mom had a Lutheran minister come and pray with him. The minister spent time with him. My dad died within minutes after the minister left. I was baffled. I who had sat with other people’s fathers in their last days, did not pray at my own father’s bedside. And yet, the man who had not been to church in years was not ready to leave this world for the next until there had been some form of conversation around God and the afterlife. Who was parabled, my father or me?

The symbol of my dad and his religious beliefs was for me, steno. It had been idealized and was known to me in only a single, linear way (p. 1). My understanding of his connection to God was no longer tensive, it was not pluralistic. I did not understand that in his illness or as he approached death, there was a need to reconnect with his God. This was the parable for me as after his death I continued to wonder why I didn’t pray with him. Jesus taught that the reign of God was personal (p. 2). How could I not see this important lesson as I sat by my father in death? In addition, it was a surprise to me that my own dad was desiring to have that connection with God, that assurance, that conversion experience before leaving this world (p. 4). I should have been the vehicle for that moment of conversion. Instead I was steeped in my own conversion experience. I had discovered that just because my experience of a beloved person had been the same for 32 years, this did not mean that deep within there was not another desire striving to emerge. Or, that there was an undiscovered desire I was not familiar with.

So who was parabled?? In his last days before death did my father have a conversion experience?? Or did I simply miss an opportunity not just in death but in life with my dad? Possibly he was a private man of faith and prayer. Ludwig states that through the parables of Jesus we may experience a radical threat to something that is fundamentally true. We can only move to the reign of God “when we are willing to admit that these things must not be fundamentally and universally true, when we are willing to say “I don’t have it all figured out. I’m confused’ “(p. 6). I was not the person who led my father to a peaceful death in his last moments. I did not have it all figured out. This experience of humility and mystery led me to a deeper faith in God and my father. My father was a man of faith in God, he was just not public about it. What I learned from this moment of mystery was to never forget the power of prayer and to take time for prayer in moments of crises. No matter who the person in crises is and no matter what the situation, God is present. Maybe this experience was similar to that of the Pharisee and the publican. My outward life of service to the church my never be as faith-filled as my father’s life of private prayer and contemplation.