Come On In
by Mary K.
I read with interest, Dr. Robert Ludwig’s essay titled, “Jesus in Galilee: Proclaiming the Reign of God” for I gained new insights into reading, “digesting,” and learning about the reign of God through Jesus’ use of parable. I am an example of one who thought of the parables as inspiring stories, example tales or exhortations on behalf of Jesus to inspire his disciples that a new reign was not only coming, it was here. Yet, what I learned was that it was Jesus’ intent to shake up the complacent and predictable world in Galilee in the 20s c.e. in order to encourage surrender to God rather than to remain entrapped in the ego-centeredness of our human nature in which we believe that if we live our lives in a prescribed manner, we can manipulate events to our liking; that is, to play God.
In my faith journey which includes a late-in-life vocation as a religious sister, I can see that I have been “parabled” several times in my life. A case in point was a long faith struggle which included my return to the Catholic Church after many years of separation. The basis of the separation was anger—with my parents, God, the world—yet mixed with that anger was an egotistical belief that I was smart enough to handle life on my own. I figured that if God would not give me what I wanted, then I didn’t need God. I duped myself into thinking (for years!) that I was free when in truth gained from twenty-twenty hindsight, I was drifting.
In my late thirties, I made tentative moves to deepen my relationship with God by occasionally stopping by a Catholic Church on my way home from work. I didn’t participate in Mass or any prayer service; I just sat and talked to God. I went to a book store and bought a Bible and began to read passages again. This was frustrating because every time I did this, usually in the evenings, I would come down with severe headaches. I would stop this practice for days or weeks and then I would start again. I would argue in my mind that these stories (gospels) were all well and good, but what was God trying to tell me at my age (and worldliness) about the direction I should go? I had arguments with God in my head and even though I got headaches, I would come back to the Bible and stubbornly study. About a year later, I was sitting in St. Dominic Church in San Francisco hunched forward with my arms on my knees and my head resting on my arms. I was sick of these headaches and was asking God to relieve me of this obsession of reading Scripture which only resulted in head pain. At one point there was silence in my head. I then began to weep and laugh at the same time. I lifted my head, looked up at the sunlit crucifix about the altar and declared out loud, “Okay! I give up! Come on in.”
It was only a few minutes later when my tears began to cease that I realized that my headache had left me.
Later, as I analyzed this advent moment, I realized that I had been engaged in a battle between my ego and God. I had been acknowledging God in my life while at the same time arrogantly feeling that I was running the show. I thought that if I just intellectually “understand this stuff” meaning the Scripture I had been reading, that I could gain some special footing with the Creator and my life would run smoothly. It took this battle to realize that not only was I not in charge of my life, that God wanted all of me; not just my intellect, but my heart. It was my fear of losing what I felt was control of my life that prevented me from recognizing the intense love that God has for me as well as God’s willingness to lift this yoke of fear from my being.
Another “pearl of great price” came later when I was drawn not only to religious life, but to life as Dominican Sister of San Rafael. The act of discovery on that afternoon in San Francisco, that I was deeply and profoundly loved by God, has resulted in new advents in my journey. When I recollect that afternoon, I am always filled with joy. The surrender I felt was flooded with God’s love that was always there, but which I could not recognize in the anger that had become a part of me. The advent of God’s love was precisely as Robert Ludwig described in his essay: “…a surprise coming to us from beyond ourselves and even from beyond what we could want and ask for. It is joyful because it has not been manipulated or won; it cannot be earned for even worked for (14).”
There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for the recognition of God’s work in my life and the faith to say daily “yes” to his continued guidance. Jesus knew that he had to shake up the world of the people of his time in order to illustrate the reign of God that is not only personal, but present in our lives.