Loyola’s Public Interest Law Convocation

By: Michael Tien

What is the Public Interest Law Convocation? This was the question still on the minds of all 1Ls (and maybe several upperclassmen reading this) as we ventured up to the 15^th floor of Corboy for the fall 2011 event. After waiting fifteen minutes for elevators, waving at our friends as the over-capacity elevators’ doors opened and closed at each floor, signing in, and awkwardly grabbing a boxed lunch, we (the entire 1L class) took our seats in Kasbeer Hall and waited for the abstruse event to start. As we looked through our programs, we saw that two Chicago lawyers were being honored: Ronald Safer from Schiff Hardin LLP for the “Loyola Pro Bono Service Award” and Alpa Patel from the Office of the Public Guardian for the “Loyola Public Interest Service Award.” The theme of the night would soon become apparent: Being a lawyer is to be something bigger than yourself.

After welcoming remarks and introductions by Dean Yellen and Maureen Kieffer of Career Services, there was an overwhelming uproar from the audience (read: Section 1) when the admirable Professor Henry Rose took to the stage to detail the unmet legal needs of the poor. Continuing, Professor Rose emphasized how decisions in cases affect more than the litigants themselves, but have the potential of affecting society at large. Citing Brown v. Board of Education and Roe v. Wade, both of which involved low income parties in need of pro bono counsel, Professor Rose emphasized the revolutionary impact public interest law services has had on the society we live in today. Being a lawyer is to be something bigger than yourself.

Upon accepting the “Loyola Pro Bono Service Award,” managing partner Ronald Safer quickly reminded us that as law students, we have embarked on a mission to obtain a gift: the ability to speak in a forum that no one else can; the best way of using that gift is to voice for those who cannot do so themselves. While his firm, Schiff Hardin LLP, is a profit-making institution, Mr. Safer has always understood his role as a lawyer in the larger community. This understanding has translated into Mr. Safer’s pro bono work with Northwestern University’s Center on Wrongful Convictions, as well as other work highlighting the need to reform the special prosecutor system in Illinois.  Put bluntly, Mr. Safer embodies the notion that being a lawyer is to be something bigger than yourself.

Loyola Alumna Alpa Patel of the Office of the Public Guardian followed then followed Mr. Safer with her acceptance of the “Loyola Public Interest Service Award,”  coupled with a compelling speech on the importance of public interest law. Ms. Patel claimed that her legal is not as much about the money as it is the people — those unprivileged, underrepresented, and marginalized populations that need a voice to bridge the gap from community to the courtroom. As a founding member and treasurer of Our Community of Illinois, a not-for-profit organization committed to bettering the lives of foster children in Illinois, Ms. Patel stressed that even an organization comprised of a relatively small number of people can make an immeasurable impact on a community. Ms. Patel, too, demonstrates how being a lawyer is to be something bigger than yourself.

The event left many attendees with lingering questions. So where do you envision yourself in the legal community and community at large in the future? Will you be a leader in the next landmark court decision that affects our children, our neighborhoods and our society? Personally, and if nothing else, the Public Interest Law Convocation left me with the understanding that there is a public responsibility that we all undoubtedly will have as lawyers. Moreover, whether the path we choose leads us to a position in a large firm, to our own law offices, or to a not-for-profit organization or cause, it should be known that the power of the individual is truly remarkable. Being a lawyer is to be something bigger than yourself.

For more information about Public Interest careers or how to get involved with upcoming events, and volunteer opportunities today, please contact Associate Director of Career Services Maureen Kieffer (mkieffer1@luc.edu), and/or Mary Bird (mbird1@luc.edu), Director of Public Interest Programs.

Getting to Know the Class of 2014

By:  Brenda McKinney

While I know that there are many of you thinking that ten weeks in law school time (yes, we’re only ten weeks in) feels like a year.  As we emerge from and move beyond the likes of OCI interviews, midterms (congrats 1Ls!), those first big journal assignments and a sledge of job application deadlines (3Ls), now seems like as good of a time as any to step back and look at, well, the newest kids on the (Water Tower Campus) block.

So who exactly are they, this group of fresh-faced 1Ls?  Well, this year they include: a carpenter, a molecular geneticist, a dog-walker, a music instructor, a pastry chef, a phlebotomist, a ski instructor, and a White House intern.

Despite a downturn in applications nationally, Loyola University Chicago School of Law was able to enroll a stellar class of highly qualified individuals for the Fall 2011 J.D. program.  The percentage of out-of-state students was higher than previous years, and the percentage of minority students matched last year’s class, which are the two largest in over ten years.

We asked Dean Pamela Bloomquist (known affectionately to many students as “Dean B”) of the Admissions office to give us some insight into what makes this class stand out.  The energy and initiative of this class was apparent the first day of orientation, when they moved the wooden benches from the lobby to outside the law school to enjoy the great weather.  Their enthusiasm and engagement was made known when many of the students introduced themselves to the first-year faculty.  “Perhaps most important is the sense that everyone in the first-year class is happy to be at Loyola and truly understands the mission and focus of the school, and embraces that concept as a style of educational learning,” said Dean B.

One 3L commented on her experience volunteering with the new class, stating, “They seem like a very enthusiastic and excited group. I can’t wait to get to know them better.”

The most telling piece of evidence, however, came completely unsolicited.  While we were discussing the class, Dean B mentioned an experience she had in the elevator earlier that day with one of the contractors working on the law school remodeling projects.  She told me that one of the contractors, who have no affiliation with the law school side of Loyola, commented, “The new students this year are very excited about being here.  They are also very friendly.  I have been with Loyola for eleven years, and this is the first group of new students who were this enthusiastic.”

While it might be fun to know there’s a phlebotomist among your future legal colleagues, it’s this class’s spirit that sets them apart.

Highlight: WHERE are they from? Map representing the home cities for class:

http://mapalist.com/Public/pm.aspx?mapid=209874

Tang Team Domination

Editor: The Thomas Tang Moot Court Team recently swept the regional round of the Thomas Tang Moot Court Competition. For a bit of perspective on what it’s like to compete in Moot Court, we’ll be sharing some perspectives here over the next couple of days.

By:  C. Maeve Kendall

For most people, doing something “exciting” means engaging in a stimulating activity like skydiving, attending the Super Bowl, or running the Chicago Marathon (for the record, I have yet to figure out what is exciting about forcing yourself to run until you feel like you are going to lose control of all bodily functions, but you get the idea). For the Thomas Tang Moot Court Team, “exciting” means standing in front of three to five random lawyers who rapidly hurl complicated legal questions at you in an attempt to make you as flustered as humanly possible.

The Tang Team’s excitement came to an apex earlier this month when the marvelous Gabriela Schultz, the fabulous Alana O’Reilly, the tremendous Sean Hennessy, and the sometimes-intriguing Maeve Kendall competed in the regional competition at Kent School of Law. Both Loyola pairs dominated the preliminary rounds, leaving all other teams in the dust. Hennessy won the Best Oral Advocate Award with his co-counsel Alana O’Reilly coming in a close 2nd. Schultz and Kendall won the Best Brief Award and Hennessy and O’Reilly’s brief won 2nd. At the end of the day, Hennessy and O’Reilly placed 1st overall with Schultz and Kendall in 2nd. As the other teams wept into their free Chinese food, all four Loyolans basked in the glow of their conquest.

The semi-final round was held in the Dirksen Federal Building the next morning. While Hennessy and O’Reilly battled it out with the Kent team, Schultz and Kendall rallied for victory against University of Illinois. Of course, neither teams stood a chance against the unstoppable Ramblers: the two teams advancing to the final round were…(drum roll, please)…Loyola and Loyola!

With both teams having already landed their spots in the National Competition, the results of the final round would mean little more than bragging rights (which, mind you, are very valuable rights in the legal world). Nonetheless, the two pairs battled it out on the courtroom floor in front of a panel led by the Honorable Ed Chang. As Judge Chang said himself, the winning team “by a hair” was Schultz and Kendall with Kendall named Best Oral Advocate of the final round.

In the end, all six of the winning plaques that were created for the regional competition came home with the Loyola champs. Some have referred to the Loyola domination as a “sweep,” but I have always preferred a vacuum.

The team re-started practicing this week to prepare for the National Competition held on November 18th and 19th in HOTlanta, Georgia. If the team manages to bring the same energy to Nationals as they did to Regionals, it is unquestionable that all four will indeed “please the court.”

By: Gabriela Schultz

Before classes even began, the Thomas Tang Moot Court team was meeting at the beginning of August to prepare for regionals in October.  The four team members – me, my partner-in-crime Maeve Kendall, Sean Hennessy, and Alana O’Reilly – went from excited about being on a moot court team to immediately feeling regret after receiving the problem and looking at the practice schedule. We were not sure what to think, but we decided to go with it.

Practices leading up to regionals were held six days (yes SIX days) a week, including weekends.  In order to prepare for regionals our team had to write a brief for one side of the argument and prepare oral arguments for both sides of the argument.  Practices were very unpredictable.  Some days we were all happy to see each other and be together while some days it was clear we were at our breaking points.  There were times that we questioned whether being on this team was a good idea and we never understood the madness behind our coach’s decisions and strategies.

Fast forward to regionals at Kent during the first weekend of October.  By this point, we are all saying our oral arguments in our sleep.  Maeve and I were going against University of Illinois and William Mitchell law schools. Sean and Alana  were facing off against Northwestern and Kent. While the other team was arguing, Maeve and I tried to ease the tension by writing Post-It notes to each other and drawing pictures that may or may not have been referencing the other teams (we will be taking that secret to our graves).  As much as we did not admit it, we were nervous.

Friday night was the awards night, and it was the night that we had all been working for.  After finding out that we took every award possible – Maeve and I received Best Brief and Sean and Alana received Second Best Brief and First and Second Best Oralist – we finally started seeing that all our hard work was starting to pay off.  The next day after both teams won semi-finals and we knew we were going to nationals; there was no question it was all worth it.

So here we go again, back to the grind and preparing for nationals in Atlanta.  Who knows how things will go in Atlanta – one of the teams can win it all or we can all be done after preliminary rounds with enough time to go to the Tupac Museum.  All we know is that after all the doubt and tears and frustration, we are all still on the team today and if you ask any one of us – we wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.

Last-Minute Costume Shopping

by:  John Norkus

As I’m sure most of you know, Halloween is rapidly approaching.  And if you didn’t know that then you must be one of those religious fanatics who doesn’t believe in celebrating goblins and ghouls.  Either that or an over-zealous, over-panicked 1L who hasn’t taken a breath since mid-September.  And if you are the latter then let me be the first to tell you, you REALLY need to enjoy this Halloween.

Of course, the reason I bring up this topic is because with Halloween comes the all-important need to figure out your Halloween costume.  And the Halloween costume is an important statement.  Not to mention that, if you are going to Halloween at the Hangge Uppe, everyone will be there with their judging eyes on.  So you can see the importance of your costume and the thought you put into it.  What’s that you say?  You haven’t even considered your costume yet?  Well, this is your warning:  HALLOWEEN IS IN DAYS!  PANIC!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

OK. That was an overreaction.  You still have plenty of time to figure out a great good serviceable costume.  I mean, if you stop whatever it is you are doing right now (after you finish reading this of course) and go to your nearest pop-up Halloween shop, you can wind up with a pretty good costume.

At first, these stores can be a bit overwhelming, but you just have to simplify the store.  I usually imagine that I’m on some secret mission and I have to find the target – but I do that when I enter any store, so maybe it’s not Halloween-specific…or the best advice.  But here’s a secret I will let you all in on.  Ready?  My go-to section at these stores:  Hats.  Everyone can do something with hats.  Hats are the perfect costume and you can take it in literally any direction.  The possibilities are endless.

I’m also a fan of combining items to make an awesome and original costume.  This could be very basic or elaborate and I really don’t care to elaborate any more on this idea, so figure out something that works for you and rock it out.  As my friend Seth Knocke and I discovered last year, being regular cops for Halloween is decent, but being the Hottie Police for Halloween is AWESOME.  So see there?  A little creativity can go a long way.

Now let’s say you can’t find something in that store.  Then what?  I mean, really that would be like a guy going into the Bentley dealer and saying he “wanted to buy one, but I just couldn’t pick one I really liked.”  Now, some of you may be saying, “But the selection was just not that good,” or, “It looked cheap,” or whatever.  Listen.  This is Halloween.  You aren’t looking for your outfit for brunch at the Signature Room, you are going to the Hangge Uppe.  Have you been there?  Do I need to go on?  Just put some minimal effort into it and you’ll be fine.

But if you truly, truly cannot find a costume at said pop-up shops, then it’s time to really get down to business and scour your own, as well as your friend’s clothing (with or without approval).  Surely anyone (not really though, as I’m just trying to offer some encouragement for those of you who are currently scouring the closet) can find a few items they already own and make a costume from that with a little thought.  Just throw on something and call yourself something different.  For the love of God.  Oh wait…yeah not for the love of God with this holiday, but you get the idea.

At the end of the day with a little effort you can still be fine for a Halloween costume, just be creative.  It may not turn out to be what you want, but seriously – you have no one to blame but yourself for that.  I mean you have had TONS of time to figure this out and you should have used it.  Did I miss something?  Halloween is always on October 31st.  It’s not one of those wacky roving holidays.  Come on now, people.

Okay.

Now that I got that rant out, if you’d excuse me, I have to go figure out my costume.

Back In My Day We Treated Law Students With Respect!

By: Chris Reed

It was about two years ago during my 1L year when some friends and fellow classmates asked me if I’d be interested in writing an article for Blackacre as they were looking to revive the dormant publication. They knew that I studied English and Journalism in college and told me it would be a natural fit.

I, however, was somewhat reluctant. Perhaps it was because I questioned how much I learned in college studying two subjects that often clashed in their style of writing. I was skeptical of how much I learned as an English major forced to read existentialist novels while laying poolside with a drink in hand. Maybe there were just too many distractions at the University of Arizona. I also wondered how much I learned as a Journalism major who was forced to cover local politics that were so maddeningly right-wing that the discussion usually centered on how high and with how much voltage they would build their border fence.

Perhaps I was reluctant to write an article for Blackacre because nothing seemed important enough to divert my attention away from the 75pg Torts outline that I thought would revolutionize test-taking(I ended up scrapping it the night before the final). I did have something I wanted to write about but I felt that it was petty, immature, and that I should be above such complaints.

Since then I have tried to maintain my composure whenever confronted with what seems to be a uniquely Loyola problem, but a reasonably prudent person can only take so much. I’m referring to everyone’s number-one nuisance at school, and they are everywhere. They monopolize the revolving door at the north side of our law school. They hold our beloved Nina’s Café ransom to their schedule. And worst of all, they clog up perfectly good classrooms while we are herded like cattle into sub-standard facilities down the street. We have all seen these individuals in our way. We’ve all rolled our eyes as these people pack into the elevator as if another one won’t be around in a minute or less and take it from floor 6 to floor 5.

I’m talking about UNDERGRADS, of course. Or even more broadly, our school’s insanely frustrating relationship with its undergraduate institution. I realize that we were all undergraduates at one point in our lives, so I can sympathize, but that doesn’t mean that I still want to go to school with them. I guess what I’m getting at is that I would love for someone to explain to me why law students who pay considerably more to attend Loyola are forced to share our space at an extreme inconvenience.

What reason could possibly justify forcing law students into Maguire Hall while undergrads take up perfectly good classrooms (and even get their own annex–thanks for building that as noisily as possible during my 1L finals). And in case you’ve never had the pleasure, allow me to explain. Maguire Hall is that building at Pearson and State that annoyingly requires an ID to enter, and is entirely ignorant of the temperature outside. It is a building that is conveniently never shown to prospective law students, yet one that you will likely spend a great deal of time in.

Now at this point you’re probably thinking one of two things: “Thank you, Chris, for finally saying what we have all thought. Amen, brother.” Or more likely, “stop complaining, be a nice person, and be nice to the undergrads!” I would say either statement is fairly valid. But like I said earlier, I had dealt with this problem for over two years like an adult (I complained less-openly to my closer friends who are used to hearing me babble about whatever). But a few weeks ago, after being treated like a joke at their campus, I realized that we’ve reached a turning point with the undergrads.

Now, I know you’ve all been dying to find out what it is that pushed me over the edge, thus inspiring me to write this article, and we’ll get there. But first, let me tell you (and prepare to have your conscious shocked) that it costs $12 for law students to use the Lakeshore gym. Yes, $12 dollars! Apparently, nowhere in our nearly $40,000 a semester is there anything allocated for us to use the gym. Now, for someone who went to a University that shared their gym with their graduate students, this is a bit shocking to me (See, I don’t mind sharing). What’s more, as an alumni member who pays $50 a year, I can still use the gym at the University of Arizona… if only it were closer! Talk about sticking a knife in me and twisting it…

Anyway, I digress. Despite this outrageous fee, a group of us lawschoolers flex the talents we used to have (Jim Arce) several times a month go ball it up at the Lakeshore campus. However, a few weeks ago, for the second time this semester, I drove to the Lakeshore campus only to be refused entry upon arrival. To put the icing on the cake, both days I was turned away I drove in on a Saturday morning from my parent’s place in the suburbs.

Why was I refused entry you ask? Well, because the gym was being used for other activities that don’t involve me playing basketball, so I was told. Never mind the fact that someone in my group had called ahead to make sure the gym was open at this specific time. It appears that the fine young man who works at the front desk of the Lakeshore gym failed to adequately check the schedule when we asked him two days prior. And who was this fine young man? …And here’s the kicker, the inspiration of my story… Why, he was an UNDERGRAD, and quite the sarcastic one at that.

Now, I don’t want to seem too negative. I have loved my experience at Loyola. 25 East (when I’ve been privileged enough to learn in it) is gorgeous. I have had some professors (hello Kaufman, Anderson, Tracey) who are incredible teachers and just all-around awesome human beings. They are the kind of teachers who inspire you, who make you want to do well in their course just to impress them because you respect them so much. They are also people who you would love to (and probably have) gotten drinks with outside of class.

But let’s be real about something – there is no justifying the infestation of undergrads in our law building. There is no justifying that law students pay $12 to use the Lakeshore gym; and the relationship that our fine law school has with its parent institution seems too one-sided. If I had one complaint about law school, it would be the undergrads. Then again, I haven’t fully engaged in a job search yet…

“Breaking” News!—A Real Pane

By: Brad Snyder

At approximately 12:35pm today, part of a window between the 10^th and 11^th floors on the east side of Corboy Law Center crashed to the sidewalk below. The pane of glass landed along Wabash Ave., just in front of the Chick-Fil-A outdoor seating.

1L Jack Sanker, returning to the Law Center from Jimmy John’s [Editor: Good lunch choice, Jack], narrowly missed being struck by the falling glass. Sanker stated that he and a friend were only about two seconds from walking beneath the window when the glass crashed down in front of them, shattering and pelting Sanker with bits of glass. An off-duty police officer encouraged Sanker to move away from the window since glass still remaining in the window frame might fall.

Thankfully, no one was injured by the falling glass, partly due to today’s rainy weather.  The glass hit the sidewalk just in front Chick-Fil-A’s outdoor seating. Had it been a nicer day, the seating area would likely have been full of people eating.

The chunk of window pane came from a window in the 10^th floor ceremonial courtroom. A Loyola staff member familiar with the situation hypothesized that something had blown off the roof of a nearby building and struck the window, breaking the outer pane of glass. The inner pane of glass remained uncompromised.

Replacing the window is proving a significant challenge.  The window doesn’t actually look into the court room, as it is covered by the balcony that wraps around the front of the courtroom. Moreover, unless repair crews break through the inner pane of glass, the repair will have to be completed by workers descending from the roof of the building.

In addition to the broken Ceremonial Courtroom window, the outer pane of a window in Kasbeer Hall was cracked at some point earlier in the day. The glass did not break, and the window is much more accessible than the window in the Ceremonial Courtroom.

Until the Courtroom window is repaired, Wabash Avenue will remain closed between Pearson St. and Chicago Ave. For more photos, visit Blackacre’s Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/loyolablackacre.

Update, 10/20/2011 at 1:30pm: Wabash Ave. remains completely closed between Pearson St. and Chicago Ave. You’re going to be taking the long way around to get to the Starbucks at Chicago and Wabash. Then again, you could always go to any other street corner in the surrounding blocks for your Starbucks fix. No crews were working on the window today. A Loyola Staff member stated that the repairs should take place Friday.

Beyond Borders: Libby Deshaies, Ghana

By:  Libby Deshaies

From the moment you step off the cool, sterile plane onto the warm, muggy tarmac you can feel the joy in Ghana.  Through the airport and onto the street you find all of Accra is on the move: everyone is dancing, laughing, selling, and shouting.

View of Cape Coast

These people have a reason to be so happy, to be so proud.  Time after time Ghana is held up as the poster child for successful development in Africa.  Following their independence from Britain in 1957 (the first sub-Saharan country to achieve this), they have enjoyed relatively stable and continued democracy. Ghanaians live in beautiful landscape:  the country is nestled into the Gulf of Guinea and is lined with breathtaking beaches. Development indexes measuring health, education, demographic, and economic standards consistently place Ghana above its neighbors.  And business is (relatively) booming.

In 2009, when I arrived in Accra for an undergraduate semester abroad, it was clear that Ghana is a country on the move.  The recent discovery of oil, in addition to various other resources (cocoa, gold), could be the push they need to jump ahead.  Of course, many look to neighboring Nigeria and other countries who have suffered the dreaded “resource curse” that comes with such a discovery.  Luckily, Ghana’s economy is diversified enough that they should be able to avoid some of these complications.

Ghanaian culture is steeped in perseverance and optimism at every turn.  The history books know Ghana as the “point of no return” for slaves leaving Africa for the Americas, and colonial slave forts still dot the coastline. Today, many African-Americans visit Ghana to connect to their roots, and a strong reggae culture has developed that celebrates the people’s ability to rise up against such horrific oppression.

Harvest Festival in Cape Coast

This attitude carries over. The poor, and getting poorer, life of the farmer is celebrated in traditional song and dance.  Ghanaians never beg; they will sell you a rock they find, but most are too proud to take your money out of pity.

This strength is exceptionally easy to recognize in Ghana’s women.  I had the opportunity to work with a women’s legal resource center called WiLDAF: Women in Law and Development in Africa. From the women I worked with it is clear – with all the changes coming, Ghana’s women want in on the action!  Women across the country are trying to reconcile the rapid changes happening in their society and their traditional paternalistic culture.

Women in Ghana face a culture of polygamy, domestic violence, trafficking, inadequate health care, and discrimination. Yet slowly but surely the women of Ghana are claiming their leverage. Health care, education, and employment of women are major indicators of a society’s development and stability. The U.N., U.S. Department of State, and many other influential players are targeting programs for women and girls on these grounds. Essentially, the world of diplomacy sees women as a smart investment, and these women know it.

WiLDAF Affirmative Action Rally in Accra

When I left Ghana, in December of 2009, WiLDAF was drafting their demands to Parliament, which was due to begin a review of thenational constitution. President John Atta Mills had promised to enact affirmative action legislation to raise the female employment rate by 40%.  Pair these with the influx of resource wealth starting to pour in from the oil discovery and it is easy to see the potential for really inspiring change – or a tragic disappointment.  The road to a more equal and prosperous nation will no doubt continue to be a struggle for all Ghanaians, but they will continue to smile and to dance, to marvel at the novelty of tourists, and to rejoice in every new day. And that is the best lesson I could have walked away with.

Law in the News 10-11-11

By: Janet Soave

Italy: Great food, great wine, great criminal justice?
Maybe not.  The Italian criminal justice system is getting a bad rap after Amanda Knox was acquitted of murder last week in an Italian appellate court. Knox has served 4 years of the 26-year sentence she received for allegedly murdering her study-abroad roommate. The Italian prosecutor plans to appeal to Italy’s highest court, but as for now, Knox is back home in Seattle. Rome study-abroad program anyone?

Thou shall not lie
It seems our fellow Chicago law schools could use a lesson in Jesuit principles . . .  Above the Law reported Wednesday that the a successor of the firm responsible for filing suits alleging fraud, negligent misrepresentation, and deceptive business practices against Cooley Law School and New York Law School have added 15 additional defendants. Among the new group are a few locals: John Marshall, DePaul, and why not, how about Chicago-Kent.

Questions to ask the FTC Commissioner when he
presents at Loyola on October 14th 12:00 p.m.
Can I buy you a drink? Or 5?
Last week, the Washington Post reported that Four Loko will be changing its labels as part of a settlement with the FTC in order to give consumers a better indication of how much alcohol one can of the potent potion actually contains. The FTC was particularly worried about the supersize cans of Four Loko, which contain the equivalent of four to five 12-ounce cans of beer. Some may call that a value, but the FTC is convinced it’s a health hazard.

Do you work out?
At the end of last month Reebok settled with the FTC, agreeing to pay $25 million for deceptive advertising charges. The commission alleged that Reebok’s EasyTone shoes may not give you a better butt, and challenged that the research behind the tush-tighteners was not sound enough to satisfy the FTC. Reebok issued a statement denying concurrence with the FTCs charges, claiming that they stand behind their technology, but settled to avoid frivolous litigation.

My Trip Through Hell

By:  John Norkus

This past Sunday I ran my third Chicago Marathon.  And to address what many of you are thinking, yes, that means I knew what I was getting myself into. I know. Crazy.  So I thought for all of you that never will run one, are considering doing one, or even those who are seasoned vets, I would give you an all-access pass to my race day.

5:30 AM – Wake up.  Stare in the mirror and make faces at myself for approximately 7 minutes to get myself pumped up.  Next, I go through the usual pre-race activities including putting on some “Hello Kitty” band-aids as nip guards (no, I’m not joking), throwing on my race clothes, listening to Al Pacino’s pre-game speech from Any Given Sunday, and last but certainly not least I throw on my lucky gold shorts over my running shorts.

7:00 AM – Get to the start line.  Drop my gear bag off, remove the lucky gold shorts.  Of course now some ask me why do you even bother with them.  You don’t wear them in the race or anything.  To those people I say, mind your own business. It’s not like I’m giving you an all-access pass to my inner thoughts on this thing.  Oh wait…never mind.  Next, contemplate several things.  Should I just back out?  Should I sprint out with the Kenyans to get on TV for 4 minutes and call it a day.  Of course I go with the unreasonable choice of continuing on with this thing.

7:30 AM – The race begins.  People scream.  Nothing particularly interesting happens here.

8:00 AM/Mile 4 – Realize I’ve probably started out too fast.  Tap into my male thoughts and falsely convince myself that doesn’t really matter and that I can keep this pace up throughout the race.

8:50/Mile 11 – By this point I’ve seen several people who I know out on the course.  I feel relieved that I now can stop running straight up and down because there’s far less people to impress on the back half of the course.

9:10/Mile 14 – Remember I told Justin I would write a Blackacre article recalling my marathon story.  Pull pen/notebook out of shoe and recount thoughts up to this point.

9:30/Mile 16 – Cramping badly.  Wait…why I’m I out here again?  Decide to myself, this is it.  I am DEFINITELY retiring from marathons after this race is over.

9:48/Mile 18 – See two girls holding a “Show us your nip guards” sign.  Clever.  And I think I bet they’d appreciate my “Hello Kitty” ones, but lifting up my shirt sounds like entirely too much work at this point.  Seriously girls, at mile 18 you are asking people for that kind of action?  Get a grip.  (Side Note: there are some really awesome signs out on the course and I have to give props to Tana Vestal for making one for me. It really gives you a charge out there, even if it makes you laugh).

10:30/Mile 21 – Notebook falls out of my shoe.  CRAP.  Oh well, I’ll just make up the stuff at a later date.  It’s not that important.  Also what happened to the shade?  There was plenty of that stuff early on.  What, it’s not enough that I have to put myself through all of this, now the shade has to disappear?  Seriously?  This is a sick, sick joke that I’m pretty much pulling on myself.

10:42/Mile 24 – Feeling pretty bad for myself, why is this SO hard?  Oh hey, that guy who just passed me is blind.  JESUS.  Why am I such a wimp?  Pull it together.

10:50/Mile 25 – Oh hey, there’s the mile 25 sign.  This is great.  I’m seriously almost there.  I CAN DO THIS.

10:52/Mile 25.2 – Oh hey, there’s the 25.2 sign. Wait.  What?  Was 0.2 miles really THAT far????  It did NOT sound that far when I signed up.  I HATE YOU 0.2!

11:00/Mile 26.2 – THANK GOD!  It’s over. I made it. And somehow I’m still vertical (barely).

11:05 AM – Proceed through the mile-long finisher’s area, because who doesn’t want to keep walking after doing 26.2 miles?  Grab a beer.  Think about the day’s events.  OK…I guess I’ll do it again next year.