My World Without an NBA Season
By: John Norkus
By now you all have heard about the NBA lockout and the fact that, despite it being November and time for the season to begin, no actual games are taking place. The lockout poses a huge problem for me because I spend a solid amount of time watching NBA games, reading about NBA games, and discussing NBA games. SO MUCH NEW FREE TIME. So with games being cancelled, I am forced to consider what I will do with the time I would have spent watching the Minnesota Timberwolves take on the Golden State Warriors. So here I enter that cold, cold world:
1. Toy Voyaging – For those of you unfamiliar with this hobby, it’s quite easy. You simply grab an old toy, find a “Toy Voyager” message board, and seek out a place for your toy to visit. Then you wait for your new toy’s host to send you back pictures, and eventually they return the toy. It’s also cool because I can pretend I’m sending my toys on mini NBA road trips. I’ll do this even if the NBA starts back up, of course. I mean, sometimes I just need a break from my toys, not to mention how sick I get of their complaints about wanting a vacation.
2. Parkour – Yes, for most of us knowledge of this activity is limited to YouTube and an intro from “The Office.” But think about how much fun I could have around the CLC engaging in this hobby. Flipping over unsuspecting 1Ls on the 4th floor, running off the side of a wall in the middle of class, hopping over the staircase from 1 to the lower level (that’ll show those 1 floor elevator takers)…the possibilities are endless.
3. Get on TV – No, I don’t mean have a TV show. That’s just ridiculous. What I do mean is photobombing live on the news. Start out with the local news, then move on to the Weather Channel, and (when I get real experienced) hit up the cable news networks. OH, so that’s where CNN comes from. Genius.
4. Watch all 4,427 Republican Presidential Candidate Debates – This could be the best idea of the bunch. Why? Because I can make this like the NBA. Romney=LeBron, all the talent and tools but still there’s something to not like; Perry=Carmelo, lots of hype but little production when the chips are down; Bachmann=Dennis Rodman, actually these two couldn’t be more different, unless this is based entirely on unpredictability; Herman Cain=Kris Humphries, you didn’t really know who he was and probably didn’t care to, and then something happened and for some reason now you know him. This should be good.
5. Chess Boxing – That’s right, a combo of the two greatest sports…eh, OK, I oversold it there, but anyways you get the picture: a brains-meets-brawn situation. Those of you who have seen my chiseled physique and have experienced my skilled chess brain know this is clearly a sport tailored for me. How it works, you ask? Well, you alternate rounds playing chess and boxing. Whoever gets a knockout or checkmate first wins. Personally I think I’m going to coin the move “The Knock-Mate” where, just as I complete a checkmate on you, you feel the effects of my last punch from the previous round and go down.
6. Celebrate Bizarre Holidays – Every day is a holiday, and with no NBA season I can take the time to celebrate each and every one of them. This will help replace that feeling of anticipation I get for the big games of the season. For example, I already have November 9th circled on the calendar for “Chaos Never Dies” Day. Or who would miss November 19th, “Have a Bad Day” Day, where you wish everyone a bad day instead of a good one? With holidays to look forward to like these, who needs to know when the Bulls were supposed to play the Heat?
7. Start Watching the NHL – No, seriously. Ok, yeah, no.
8. Learn a New Language – The problem here is that we all know how this story ends. I start learning the language, everything starts going smoothly, I converse in the language and all of that good stuff, and then WHAM the lockout ends and so does my knowledge of the language. This activity would clearly be fruitless and serve little to no benefit to me in the future.
9. Learn to Pick Locks – This sounds like a good activity. Fun. Challenging. It seems like it would be kind of like a puzzle. I like puzzles. Who doesn’t? Plus, I have a tendency to lock myself out, so I’d be also addressing this problem. And when I got good, I could just let myself in basically anywhere. Although, I guess that would be illegal, wouldn’t it? Well, why don’t we all just conveniently forget I brought this one up and carry on with our lives?
10. Watch the 1990s Bulls – Ok, this idea is not at all a joke. BEST. TIMES. OF. MY. LIFE. And now Comcast SportsNet has announced, that it will be showing reruns of some of the “best” Jordan games. I am so excited. Who cares that I know the results and the dramatic effect of said games is gone. True greatness can be appreciated at any time. Incidentally, this is probably the equivalent of an alcoholic running out of liquor after the store closing and saying, “Screw it! I’ll drink the rubbing alcohol I have left over.” But hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.
